Can’t you see the sparkles in my eyes?

My dad planned it nicely. I don’t need to skip school for all this. After today’s exam, I’ll be on a 2 week break. And I’m sorry to my friend, but I’ll need to postpone the horse riding class. It really sucks because it’s been delayed for 4 weeks already. And I really wanted to resume classes soon.

11 August 2011, my dad passed away at 0220.

I’m sorry, but I’m not planning on saying anything about this to anyone unless needed for the wake (idk what to expect). To those who know of this blog, sorry and thank you for having to deal with 13 days of such entries with me. Since I have not done any sort of announcement about my dad being hospitalised other than that time where I panicked in the ambulance (via twitter), I understand that a lot of people close to me are unaware of what’s happening, but I really don’t see any sort of fitting moment where I can just go “btw my dad just got a major stroke and is not waking up/passed away.” Feel free to inform whoever you see fit to know about this.

He’s already on max support for everything, but his blood pressure and breathing just keeps decreasing. The intensity of the drugs made his whole body change colour. His nails were all black, his skin had these yellow purple tints all around. The doctors called us over and told us that there was nothing else they could do. Using the defibrillator would only prolong it barely and cause him more pain. The least they could do is ensure that he passed away painlessly. They told us he doesn’t have long left (can’t even wait for half an hour), so we told the same few ppl that we contacted previously to come asap, but they might not make it in time.

I know that he can’t see nor hear anything, but my mum and I believed that he waited for his brother and mother to join us before he passed away. In fact, he let my mum returned home to take a bath earlier before midnight. The moment my mother finished bathing, we received the hospital’s call. When we were by his side, he waited for his mother and brother patiently for a long while. His blood pressure became unable to detect, his lungs gave up long ago. His entire body is relying solely on the pump thingy. We could only stare at his heart beat. The moment they came (which they took a fucking long time), less than 5 minutes, he stopped breathing.

I went back to get his IC and the best set of clothes he has. Too bad the shoes I picked for him didn’t fit him because his legs were too swollen. By the time I came back, he already started turning.. well, that dead sort of colour. Nothing like what the movies depict, that blue tint in the background, his body all grey and ashen and white. He just turned all ointment yellow, like jaundice. I know books tend to make it sound very romantic: He looked like he was just sleeping yada yada yada, and people tend to say that it’s all a bunch of bullcrap, but in my case I think he really looked like he was sleeping – Mouth open (like father like daughter lol), just that he was in the wrong colour. When we got the chance to look at him one last time, he started turning even more of a dead colour. Mum said he’s turning grey; to me it just looks more green-yellow. They closed his mouth finally, and mum and I found it amusing that he really looked like he had a smile on his face.

Tbh I don’t know what I’m feeling now. I don’t even know if it has sunk into me yet that my father’s gone. We cried a lot, we really did. The waterworks come on and off.

He never got a chance to speak with us before he go. I don’t even know what he was thinking throughout this whole ordeal. He never got a second chance. Stroke and then the end. He’s only 50. We never did give him that Beijing trip he’s always wanted. He didn’t last long enough to watch me graduate. He hasn’t approved me of my driving yet.

1 Comment on Can’t you see the sparkles in my eyes?

  1. Jasmine
    August 11, 2011 at 7:54 pm (6 years ago)

    *hug* I’m here for you, okay.

    Reply

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