As long as he’s safe

I want to tell myself things will be fine, and that things will be back to normal soon. But I can’t. Because I know it’s not going to be the same. This is where I break down.

I once had this stupid inner turmoil about whether I want my dad to be awake or not, right? I still am thinking about it, but now I think I’m getting into that whole phase you see on TV, the whole “should he be alive or not?” When I heard about how they have to tie his arms if he wakes up, it means his head really must hurt. What am I saying, of course it’s going to hurt. He has 2 fucking holes, and a chunk of skull gone. And when he gets sober and he has to face reality, I think of all the pain he’s going to feel, and I just can’t stop crying.

Would he want to die to end all the pain? I don’t want him to die, but when I try to list down the reasons why he would want to live, I can’t help but think that the biggest reason is because of his family. Because we will cry nonstop if he does. He said before, should my mother be forced to retire early, we’ll just live and survive together. But now. We’ve started to try visualising and predicting all the changes we have to make, but the list seems so endless and I just don’t know what to expect anymore.

And I think of all the pain he has to go through to live on, all the troubles he has to face. Things he used to do now impossible for him. My mum and I may have driving licenses, but my mum’s afraid of driving his car because she scratched it before while driving and since then avoids driving the car. As for me, I don’t think I can bring myself to ever drive that car anymore. He won’t be able to use it too, so the most logical thing is to sell the car and get a smaller car which my mother will be more comfortable with (and I would dare to drive it too), but when I think of how dad might feel when he hears that we sold off the car he uses to drive us all around, I know mum and I just couldn’t bring ourselves to sell it for now.

I don’t want him to wake up sober yet. Just rest somemore for now.

“Not same doesn’t mean not normal. Just have to adjust. As long as he is safe, it’s okay?”

Ya. I’ll tell myself that. We will take things step by step. Meanwhile I’ll pull through by blanking the mind as much as I can. I can’t be like this in times of need.

First up is getting used to change in schedules. I want to go out, but I don’t want to go out at the same time. But I’m sure when Dad’s condition gets better, things will look brighter for every one.

Thank you for being there for us, for me.

Funny how I start to blog a lot more. It helps, really. Letting it out somewhere. I don’t think many people know about this blog, and I don’t intend to change that fact. No one deserves their mood to be pulled down like this. And so to those who did manage to read this, sorry for all this shit, and thank you for everything.

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